‘Dad’s’ Secret Dressing Recipe

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This recipe is very rare and special. The directions have never been written down before, since it has been handed down from generation to generation of Austrian Gypsies. The San Diego Entertainer has been able to, through bribery and chicanery, procure the recipe and make it exclusively available to our loyal readers. Please note: the writer makes no guarantees of any sort, particularly where wine, beers or cocktails are involved in the preparation. Also to be noted is the fact that this recipe has been known for its aphrodisiac properties. Here it is:

  1. Take three large, yellow onions. Cut so that the individual pieces are about 5/8” long. You will have tears in your eyes after this process, so it is a great time to attempt to appear sensitive and emotional in an attempt to receive some pity/affection (whatever that means to you) from your significant other. Take full advantage of this opportunity!
  1. Cut 20 large celery sticks so that each piece is approximately 1/4” thick. (There may be some tears left over here, but if not, rub some onion in an eye so as to attempt receiving more pity/affection (see above).
  1. Sauté onions with two sticks of butter (yes I said two!), being careful not to burn butter.
  1. Add in 2 TBS. each- Garlic Powder, Paprika, Poultry Seasoning
  1. 1 TBS each pepper, celery salt and sage.
  1. When Onions are about halfway soft, add in celery and one more stick of butter (yes I said one more!) Toss and cook until both are relatively soft, but not mushy.
  1. Get four loaves of soft, white bread with crust taken off. Your spouse may try to convince you to leave the crust on, but reject that notion! Cut into 1” squares and put in a very large bowl. Again, your spouse may advise you to tear the bread by hand but again reject this notion, doing so in a manner so as to not risk the loss of affection (again, see above).
  1. Heat up three cups of chicken broth. Pour ½ of onion/celery combo onto bread. Pour broth over bread. Start with half. Now, you must kneed it with your hands, squishing it repeatedly. It will be very hot, so be careful you don’t burn your fingers, although if you do, you can try once again for the aforementioned pity/affection. Again, your spouse may try to convince you at this point that stirring with a spoon will be OK. Reject this advice, (squishing is a requirement) but again not too strenuously or you run the risk of losing ongoing pity/affection (see above).
  1. Add two TBS of Poultry Seasoning and four TBS of Sage. Put in all of Poultry Seasoning and ½ of the Sage. Squish it in very well again and then let your significant other taste it. If they say it has enough Sage, don’t believe them and put in the rest. Otherwise complaints may arise later.
  1. Then let it cool.
  1. While cooling, get the bird out and rinse it thoroughly inside and out. Make sure to pull out the giblets which are typically stashed in one of the bird’s orifices.
  1. Once the dressing has cooled, stuff dressing into any available orifice. (Don’t enjoy that too much, as there are laws against that in some states). If there is some dressing left over, it can be baked at 350 degrees for an hour, with a 1/2 stick of butter stuck in the middle of it. Yes, I did say more butter…

Serves 10-12, unless you’re in the Midwest, then 6-8

Other Helpful Hints:

  • If you have latex gloves, that is helpful for squishing
  • You should wear a towel over your shoulder. It doesn’t really help, but it makes it look like you know what you’re doing
  • Be careful your spouse doesn’t steal too much while dressing is cooling
  • As an added feature, you can dice up the giblets (but not the liver) and sauté with the onions, unless your significant other is a Communist sympathizer who hates giblets.
  • Beer, cocktails or wine may be helpful. But make sure your significant other abstains.
  • Rub Olive oil all over the turkey (and your significant other if the spirit moves you both) as you stuff it with dressing.

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