True Life — You have a girlfriend
At a causal summer BBQ with some family and friends (not the kind of BBQ where you would usually meet someone you were interested in), I saw what looked like a mirage peeking over the fruit salad. Could it be true? Had I met a decent looking male in an environment that did not include a DJ and too many vodka tonics?
A few days later, I took the initiative and did what was the obvious next step. That’s right, you know what I am getting at … I Facebook friend-ed him. That’s the first step in every relationship now-a-days, right?
Later that week, I received The Call. You know, the first call — the one that is a little bit awkward — in a good, new way that is — that includes talking over each other and what my friends like to call my use of “the phone voice” (a sweet, accommodating tone that only seems to make an appearance on professional phone calls, ones that occur after 2 a.m. and in instances like this).
He asked me out for a drink and of course, I accepted. I have to say, I was a little relieved. I was beginning to think I was in a Facebook relationship. In true guy fashion however, he kept an “out”, telling me he had planned to meet up with one of his friends from high school that was in town for the weekend after we went out. This would make it easy to make a quick get-away if things didn’t go so well. I went along with it, and in true nice-girl fashion made him think I didn’t know his secret plan.
The date went well, and for the record, he never met up with his “friend”. We hung out occasionally over the next few weeks and of course, kept it friendly on Facebook, too. But what started out as harmless, flirtatious messaging and a witty wall-post wars turned into an awkward situation when my inbox was inundated with a message that mimicked a novel the day before he left for a family vacation. It went a little something like this:
“I have been meaning to talk to you about this for some time now, but have not gotten around to it…”
**Translation: I have been avoiding talking to you about this and now am in a position where I have to talk to you about this because otherwise you might find out on your own.
“I am really glad I met you and have enjoyed the time we have spent together the last few weeks…”
**Translation: I am about to say something uncomfortable, so I feel like I should give you a compliment first.
“I started casually dating a girl before I met you. It is a long distance thing, and I am not good with the long distance thing, so I am trying to figure out what to do…”
**Translation: I have a girlfriend but I like you and I don’t know what to do about it so I am going to make something up to make it sound like I am confused.
“I don’t want to go into details, but just know I think you are great and deserve someone great too…”
**Translation: I don’t want to talk about it because it is uncomfortable for me, but I am going to give you another compliment in an effort to look like a better guy.
It was truly a classic that would make any mother proud. I responded wishing him safe travels, and didn’t acknowledge much else about the essay I had received. I mean, what else was there to say?
However, to prove the accuracy of my translation, not 24 hours after he had returned from his family vacation, the Facebook news feed (best invention ever) informed me that he had been tagged in a few pictures. I followed the link to his page and saw pictures of him and the girl he was “casually dating long distance” along with him on his family vacation. Girlfriend alert!!!
I give him props for his compelling novel though, it was very well-written.
— Justine is a humor writer and blogger specializing in exploiting her own humblest moments and wittiest triumphs through her journey into adulthood — a.k.a. the real world.
She started writing after changing her life-long career path from being the next Erin Andrews to a broke, non-profit employee trying to save the world (her father still isn’t over it). While attempting to accomplish this, she maintained a consistent Ramen noodle diet, and began writing on the side to entertain her family and friends. Her writing focused on finding humor in day-to-day life experiences, and she soon realized it did more than entertain readers — it connected them. And given that connecting people was in her initial plan to save the world, she decided to run with it.
Justine has been called a ball-buster, outrageous, awkward, overstated and a few other names a bit too embarrassing (or let’s be honest, explicit) to mention, but considers it her personal duty to remind the world to laugh not just at others, but at yourself, too.
And like all writers, sometimes she exaggerates. She prays for forgiveness.
To read Justine’s blog, Confessions of an Almost Adult, visit missqueencity.wordpress.com.