I love my girlfriends, you love your girlfriends, but there are times that we must go with our gut, and dating is one of them. Check out the top 5 things women are usually told not to do when dating, but in fact should.

#1 Approach a Man: You have feet, and you have a voice. Why can you walk into a conference meeting full of men, with confidence, but you can’t approach one? If you seek success then you must know that you won’t find it unless you get it yourself. So in other words, walk up to that attractive man at the bar or in the grocery store and start talking about how you love to cook salmon or grab a drink there after work.

#2 Call First: I know, I know this one can be a toughie, but if you don’t know by now, most men are not great communicators. They live by the 5 W’s: who, what, when, where and even sometimes why…if they care enough. In fact, with the current advancement of technology, if it were up to them, they’d probably ask you out through at text or even Voxer. Stop allowing the silence of your phone distract you from accomplishing important tasks and just call him already. FYI, you don’t have to ask him out, just talk.

#3 Ask Him Out: Okay, so I know I just said you don’t have to ask a man out, but I was referring to when you call him. When it comes to dating, you don’t’ want to put all of your eggs into one basket. Meaning that if you call a guy first, don’t call to ask him out, just call to say a flirtatious “hello”. But if you need a date to the company party, or feel like bike riding at the beach on Saturday, then why not be accompanied by the man you’re interested in?

#4 Help Pay: I remember the absurd amount of jitters I had before the first date with my ex-boyfriend. I didn’t have them because I lack in conversational skills, but because I am so stubborn that I didn’t want him fighting me on paying for part of the dinner. A lot of women feel that a man should court them for a month’s period of time i.e. pay for everything, but for men, it’s the little things that count. In other words, he’s not going to make you his girlfriend if he sees that you’re not helping chip in. If you aren’t doing it now, why would things change after you two become official? Either you’re going to enjoy a few free meals and end up sitting on your couch alone eating ice cream, or you will realize that a relationship AND dating is 50/50. Besides, what’s wrong with showing a man that you can hold your own?

#5 Have Sex: You ever hear the story of the woman that had a 3-month rule? She wouldn’t sleep with her boyfriend until they dated that long. To make a long story short, she finally slept with him and then he dumped her one week later. If you haven’t heard that story yet, stay tuned because you’ll be able to tell it. I am not condoning one night stands, that’s not dating anyways, but I am condoning that you toss the rules out the window and express your emotions at all times. Because just as easy as it was for that guy to dump you after four weeks of dating and great sex, it’s just as easy for him to do it after four months.

The next time you’re having lunch with your girlfriends, gossip about how you asked that CEO out while you were having a drink at the bar. And remember to mention how excited he was because he had wanted to ask you out but thought your costume jewelry was a wedding ring.

-Porsche Simpson

Single Girl in San Diego

And then there was that real hot one, ya know, the one you introduced your parents to. Sucks that didn’t work out.

Today, there are prospectives but no one has been set in stone just yet. It’s always good to keep your options open.

Did I just describe your dating life? I probably did. Although your past relationships didn’t work out the way that you wanted, even if it ended horribly, you still kept your heart open and were able to find love again…or at least like. Hell, even if it was just lust, your emotions were still actively involved.

So, with that said, my answer to the question: Does a knight in shining armor exists? Is…yes it does.

In fact, I’ve met a few guys that made wonderful knights…just not to me. Of course I didn’t find that out until I opened my heart and put myself out there but honestly, that is the only way to live…especially when it comes to love.

While I was searching for the answer to this question, I had the urgency to ask my ex-boyfriend his opinion. I guess this situation is a little different than most because he is actually trying to be with me…again.

Obviously he said he wants to be my knight in shining armor (romantic) but there was another part of his response that stood out to me just a tad bit more, and that was, “If you let me be.”

Finding love, finding that knight is all about allowing yourself to be open and free with your heart. I am not saying to fall in love with the next person that lets you cut in line at Starbucks, although that is pretty sweet, but I am saying that you won’t be susceptible to finding a knight until you let down your guard and even allow that to be a possibility.

Now, as for my ex-boyfriend, at one point in my life I thought he was my knight, obviously that didn’t work out. Months have passed and he said that he’s changed, but if the relationship didn’t work out the first time…do you think second times the charm?

Until next week…

Single Girl in San Diego

-Porsche Simpson

For the outdoorsy couple, why not take advantage of the stunning San Diego coast? If weather permits, pack a homemade picnic and head to the beach for a walk along the water followed by a sunset picnic dinner. If you don’t want to prepare your own food, check out grocery stores like Whole Foods, which offer a wide selection of healthy to-go options like sushi, burritos, sandwiches, and salads. This laid back plan is also budget friendly and offers an opportunity to spend some quality time bonding with your date in a relaxed atmosphere. If you don’t want to make a huge deal of the day and aren’t fond of Valentine’s clichés, keeping the night low-key is ideal.

For a more elaborate Valentine’s Day, enjoy a fancy dinner followed by a show. Head to a restaurant you’ve never tried before for a delicious meal. Always wanted to try tapas or Ethiopian food? Never strayed into the world of sushi? Trying something new with a partner is healthy for any relationship and keeps things fresh. Follow up the meal with a live performance or a movie that interests you both.

Maybe the relationship is new, therefore creating a lot of V-day anxiety. Suggest an evening out barhopping with a group of friends, as the group experience makes the night less intense and takes the pressure off a newly formed relationship. By heading out in a group, the one-on-one interaction is minimized while still allowing for time spent together. Check out bars and pubs if that’s your thing, or head to a club if dancing appeals to you.

Though V-Day is often associated with love and relationships, the single people of the world need not be left out. Show yourself some love by enjoying the day with unattached friends. Head to a local spa for a pick-me-up or hit up a yoga studio and get the endorphins pumping. Meet up with friends for a fancy dinner followed by drinks and dancing in the Gas Lamp district of downtown San Diego. Not interested in going out? Have a night-in with friends and host a movie marathon or have a dessert potluck. If you have the time, take the day to head to a neighborhood you’ve never experienced and explore the shopping there. It’s important to take time to appreciate yourself and have some fun, so why not make February 14 an excuse to enjoy the single life?

Valentine’s day is often put on a pedestal as a day that requires perfection, but with a little planning and personalization it can be a wonderful opportunity to reconnect and refresh a relationship, enjoy the start of a new one, try something different, or have a day to yourself. While the element of surprise can be fun, don’t be afraid to openly communicate with your partner about his or her expectations so that everyone has an enjoyable day.

Photo by Ruben Bär via Flickr.

My guy friends call me a dude with boobs and my girlfriends envy me. Let me help you get what you want when it comes to relationships; or at least entertain you.

Besides, don’t we all deserve to find The One? Actually, does your knight in shining armor even exist?

What do you think?

Do you want to know what I think? Come back next week to find out my surprising answer.

Until then, check out my past articles as your Single Girl in San Diego

About Porsche Simpson: I was put on Earth to write. Sure, there is more to me, but these words are my passion. Entertainment news, celebrity interviews and of course dating/relationship columns is my fortay. I am here to entertain you. Enjoy.

Harrison blogs, “Let me be very clear the things he said about Ashley and his feelings for her weren’t cute and they weren’t funny. They were out of line and disrespectful. He knew for a fact he wasn’t into Ashley and wanted nothing to do with her, yet he continued to lead her on emotionally and physically as well, and that in my book is not cool.

Bentley played Ashley this week and got a rose on the group date. As you saw in the preview things come to a head and unravel in a major way next week. We’ve had so-called bad guys or villains on this show before but we’ve never had anything like this. What you will see next week will easily be one of the most talked about moments ever. There won’t be one viewer that won’t have a very strong opinion about what unfolds. We’ve had plenty of dramatic moments over the years and I even joke about using that word all the time. This is different and it is nothing to joke about.”

Although “Bachelorette” show production almost ceased due to the heartbreaking condition of these encounters between Hebert and Bentley, the show continued and reportedly, through Hebert’s perseverance, there is a happy ending.

The day after the show’s premier in May, Jimmy Kimmel interviewed Hebert and tried to find out if she had chosen a man from the show’s line up, but all he could get out of her what that she is very happy with how the show turned out.

Watch the interview here:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

We have too.

New York City freelance writer Laura Gilbert and Elisha Cuthbert, actress in the new series, “Happy Endings,” educates on what these words mean, and how to break up — healthy style.

In Gilbert’s article, 8 Common Dating Lines — Decoded, posted on Match.com on Yahoo!, Gilbert says, when your suspected significant other says, “I’m just not ready for a relationship” they really mean “I’m just not in love with you.”

Gilbert goes on, “It’s hard when someone you like tells you he or she’s not in a place to seriously date anyone. But it also makes you hope that the problem is timing, not your personalities. If you can just be patient, you think, things could percolate, right?  Wrong. ‘This means I don’t love you, so if that’s what you want, we should break up,’ says Puhn (Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life) Don’t be fooled — when this person does meet someone who has that spark, he or she will indeed be ready for a relationship.”

In the April issue of Men’s Health, Cuthbert, shares insights on three steps to breaking up, the healthy way.

Step 1 – Make a Clean Cut

• After a split, many women stay in touch and inadvertently send the wrong signals.  Don’t be fooled: “Women know the relationship is over but are afraid to be alone, so they still keep that one little string attached,” Cuthbert says.  “You need to step away.” Neither of you will be able to properly move on until you cut ties.

Step 2 – Control the Damage

• Yeah, your business is your business.  But if you and your ex have mutual friends you both intend to keep, staying quiet about the breakup will only make things awkward for everyone.  “Explain your side to each friend,” she says.  “I think they have a right to know.” But don’t bash your ex—ever.  Friends will stand by you, but nobody wants to play favorites.

Step 3 – Shake it Off

• After a split, many men can be standoffish toward new women.  “I think most guys think they have to play it cool, otherwise women are going to run for the hills.  I don’t think it’s like that,” Cuthbert says.  Case in point: After her first date with now boyfriend Dion Phaneuf (captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs), he called to make sure she made it home safely.  Smart move. “It was really nice,”  I thought, “Oh, I’ve got a good guy here.”

Thanks to the April issue of Men’s Health for Elisha Cuthbert’s contribution and  to New York City freelance writer Laura Gilbert.

According to Wikipedia, Valentine’s Day originated as a day to honor Christian martyrs — a priest, a bishop and a heralded saint who gave their lives as early as 197 AD.  All named Valentine, one was from Rome, one from Terni and another was killed in Africa yet no romantic notions were recorded along with their deaths.

Seems that folk lore had its way though, adding the known romanticism and flavor.

The saying goes…one of the Valentine priests secretly performed marriages for young soldiers after Emperor Claudius II ordered against it.  The Emperor believed married men would not make good fighters and this Valentine’s said defiance landed him in jail.

More recent embellishments say that before this priest was executed, he had written the first “valentine” card, addressing it to the jailer’s daughter whom he is said to have befriended and/or prayed for healing.  Her note supposedly read, “From your Valentine.”

Whatever the true story is, Valentine’s Day still seems to be be “death” to some hearts and “life” to others. S.A.D., or Single Awareness Day, for example has been created as a type of anti-Valentine’s Day when some single people celebrate by wearing green or black and gifting to themselves or doing an activity with friends and family.

Other choose to engage in this colorful holiday by sending one of an estimated 190 million Valentine cards to their loved ones (estimate for the US alone).

And Americans are not the only ones sending cards, chocolates and flowers, in South Korea, Wikipedia reports women give men chocolate on February 14th and men respond March 14th, on their White Day, giving candy to the the ladies who gifted them one month prior.

If you are needing some witty prose for your Valentine’s card, go to the age-old classic, from the collection of early English nursery rhymes Gammer Gurton’s Garland (1784):

The rose is red, the violet’s blue
The honey’s sweet, and so are you
Thou are my love and I am thine
I drew thee to my Valentine
The lot was cast and then I drew
And Fortune said it shou’d be you.

Photo from [[Image:Happy Valentine's Day! 4384.jpg|thumb|description]] via Flickr

Well, you’re in luck — Marni Kinrys, a relationship expert who was just recently named the 2010 World’s Best Female Pick up Artist sat down with the Entertainer for an interview.

Marni doesn’t consider herself to be a pick up artist. Rather, she she sees herself as a teacher who is teaching “men to become men.” She was happy to share some tips and advice about relationships and women, so for all you troubled men out there, all your questions about women may be answered.

Marni has spent the last seven years researching and figuring out what women want. Being a woman and learning these secrets has made her a top expert and she has taken it upon herself to help men land the girl they so desire.

She started doing this by giving her friends advice. Then she thought, hey maybe I can do this for a living. And even though her friends said it wouldn’t work, she remained determined.

She posted a blog and got a ton of responses from men who were in desperate need of relationship advice. As she received all these requests from men, she knew that she could be an important asset to those lacking the right skills and information to “get the girl.”

From previous experiences and knowledge about relationships, Marni believes that men have to develop something that is known as “self game.” She said this is a technique of making yourself feel and look attractive — the key is confidence. By developing “self game,” women will become attracted to you. Marni says, “you can’t turn anyone on until you turn yourself on.” Can you believe it’s just as simple as that?

As surprising as it may sound, Marni herself had a difficulty with social pressures, but she cured herself by realizing that you just have to be comfortable with being yourself.  Slowly but surely she started to build up her self-confidence and she noticed that people responded to her differently. This is how she came up with the Wing Girl Method.

The Wing Girl Method teaches guys that they just have to be confident and comfortable with themselves in order to get the women that they want.  Marni said that “men have to do what they want, just go for it and not be too concerned,” because they start to worry too much and they start to question themselves and this is why she teaches them the rules of the game from a female perspective.

In the rules of the game, Marni teaches men how to really know and understand what women want. By now you’re probably asking yourself — well, what do they want?!

Marni conducted an interview with a group of women to find this answer, but she found out that women don’t ever really know what they want! How can this be? She explains “women need to start speaking up” because if women don’t know what they want,  how are men supposed to know?

Through her research Marni came to believe that women just want “a man who is open to compromise, has good qualities such as confidence, and can be cool and comfortable with himself, but most importantly a man that can work with them.”

And for you women out there who find yourselves needing some advice on “how to get the guy,” Marni is hoping to expand her career and help you ladies out as well. Now that she has learned and knows the intentions of men, she wants to share this so that men and women can work together in their relationships. Marni wants to especially “bridge the gap in communication with men and women” because that is why people have had such difficulties with relationships.

So if you’re interested in learning more Marni’s inside scoop on “how to get the girl” check out her best selling DVD series that tell you just how to get that girl. These DVD’s can be instantly downloaded on the internet, and if you want some more information you can visit www.winggirlmethod.com. You can also keep a look out for some of her books that will be coming out soon.

My male brethren, you have been warned. That time is upon us again.

No matter what our optimistic man-fantasies may conjure up over the next few weeks, the biggest screwing of the month will likely be ours. Get ready to grab your ankles and feel the hulking weight of commercialism all over you on February 14. That day, boyfriends, fiancés, and husbands nationwide will be expected to spend extravagant amounts of money to express their love for the women in their lives.

The worst part of it is, there’s nothing we can do about it. After all, we don’t want to come across as being cheap or thoughtless.

That being said, I do have a few suggestions for you dudes out there. If you’re sick of the typical fancy dinner at the typical fancy restaurant, paying atypical prices for overly-typical champagne, here are some ideas for a somewhat different Valentine’s experience:

Picnic at Cabrillo National Monument

A few years back, I took my girlfriend at the time to Cabrillo National Monument. I packed a picnic lunch (which can roughly be translated to, “I stopped by Ralph’s and grabbed some pre-packaged sandwiches, pre-packaged fruit, pre-packaged desserts, and a bottle of wine”), picked her up, and we headed down there. A mere five dollars got us through the gate, and we were free to wander around as we pleased from that point on.

Even though Cabrillo is rather touristy, it is big enough that you should have no problem finding a decently secluded area to woo your lady friend. You can walk along the paths on the bay-facing side of the peninsula and give yourself a great view of downtown San Diego and Coronado. Or, you can drive down to the ocean-facing side and hang out by the tide pools. This is definitely something that you can do for cheap, yet come across as thoughtful and romantic.

Check out http://www.nps.gov/cabr/index.htm for more information on Cabrillo National Monument.

Harbor cruise with Hornblower Cruises

For a romantic evening of dinner and dancing, take her on cruise through San Diego bay. I have to caution you, however, that this will not be cheap. Expect to spend $100–$200 between the two of you.

Several years ago, when Valentine’s Day fell on a Thursday, I noticed that their Valentine’s cruise cost twice as much as their regular Friday night harbor cruise. So, I called them up and asked what the difference between Thursday and Friday would be. I was casually informed that Thursday’s cruise would have extra decorations, a rose at each table, and a champagne toast. Doing some quick calculations in my head, I figured out that I’d be paying almost an extra $100 for confetti, a flower, and cheap bubbly….

I called my girlfriend and asked if she wouldn’t mind doing the Friday night cruise. Being the awesome girlfriend that she was, she was totally fine with that, and it ended up being just as fun. We still got an awesome view of the downtown skyline and the Coronado Bridge, as well as those gorgeous industrial shipyards south of downtown.

So, if you want to save yourself a little money, my suggestion is to mention—very slyly—that perhaps the Friday or Saturday before Valentine’s would be a better night to celebrate. After all, you won’t have to worry about it being a workday.

For more information on Hornblower Cruises & Events, check out: http://www.hornblower.com/hce/port/category/sd+diningcruises.

Spa treatment

Don’t really want to spend Valentine’s with the lady? Want to seem romantic, but still have your own personal me-time? Then send your woman on a spa treatment while you wait and guzzle beers at a nearby bar.

Girl On The Go, a brand new spa that just opened up in Golden Hill, has plenty of specials for Valentine’s weekend. Among them: purchase a facial and receive a complimentary eyebrow and lip wax; purchase a body treatment and receive a signature facial for $50 (a 20% discount); book a four-person spa party and receive 20% off. Better yet, get 10% off all treatments during the month of February if you mention San Diego Entertainer.

Owner Dana Gray notes that spa treatments are available for men, as well. So, dudes, if you want to emasculate yourself a bit, but feel oh-so relaxed in the process, think about booking one for yourself, too.

For more information or to make an appointment, check out www.girlonthego.net, or call 619-358-0737.

Well, I wish you the best of luck, my lucky fellows who are blessed with a significant other. If you’re looking for something a little different to do this year, check out these options. And hopefully, this year’s financial screwing will be worth the joy you bring to your girlfriend, fiancée, or wife.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

'Ginnerobot' via Flickr

The age old tradition is upon us; February 14th, that is. Valentine’s Day – it brings  a joy to some, and is a stick in the foot to many others. It all depends on your Facebook status.

Are you single?

For the single in San Diego, a city with a population of over three million you would think there would be plenty of fish in the sea to catch before Valentine’s Day.

The odds are simple, the more you are out and about in America’s Finest City, the more likely you are to stumble upon something (or someone) new.

Check out some of the perfect “mingle spots” on the radar where you can meet other great local singles in San Diego. Try something new and find Mr. or Ms. Valentine so you’re warm and snugly by the time February comes around. For our picks on San Diego’s hot mingling spots,

San Diego Mingle Spots

Sunday

Bar West – Pacific Beach
959 Hornblend St, San Diego, CA 92109

Monday

Tavern – Pacific Beach
200 Garnet Avenue, Pacific Beach, CA 92109

Tuesday

Jimmy O’s – Del Mar
225 15th Street Del Mar, CA 92014

Wednesday

SideBar – Downtown
536 Market St San Diego, CA 92101

Thursday

Seau’s Happy Hour – Mission Valley
1640 Camino Del Rio North, San Diego, CA 92108

Friday

Fleetwood – Downtown
639 J Street San Diego, CA 92101

Saturday

Stingaree – Downtown
454 6th Avenue San Diego, CA 92101

Visit Sidebar during the week for an intimate and hip setting, perfect for finding someone new. Or try Stingaree on the weekend for great quality and a packed house full of potential.

San Diego’s “best” sports bar of 2009, Seau’s, offers a great Happy Hour savings, a winning team atmosphere and common-interested locals. Happy Hour is served everyday from 4pm – 7pm.

Pacific Beach is always filled with people. From tourists to foreign exchange students, it is a melting pot of confusion causing some difficult single-on-the-mingle navigating. It is the buzz that Bar West and Tavern are the locals’ favorites so that’s a good place to start.

Confidence is key. If you step out of your comfort zone in early 2010 to hit on someone you think is perfect, don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t work out. Brush yourself off and look to set your sights on someone new. Try these San Diego mingle spots to find your Valentine in San Diego, and as your best friend may recommend, “get yourself out there!”

Image by Ross Grady via Flickr

Have you ever browsed through a self-help guide, hoping to find an easy solution to a difficult problem? Have you ever purchased on credit an item you knew you couldn’t afford, or gotten frustrated with something that didn’t give you immediate results?

Are you on an endless quest for the quick fix? It’s an attitude that pervades every aspect of today’s society.

The quest for the quick fix infects the way we address our personal issues. It infects the way we view our jobs, our wealth, and our worth.

It infects our way of thinking and our way of life.

As a society, we’ve grown increasingly unwilling to put forth the hard work required to improve ourselves. We want simple solutions and immediate feel-good results. We want chicken soup for the soul and fast food for the belly.

The quest for the quick fix is directly responsible for the financial state of the nation. Last year’s economic collapse resulted from decades of decadent spending. Why buy a modest house when we can secure a mansion on 100% financing and minimal monthly payments? Why live a meager lifestyle when bountiful credit cards provide us with all the material possessions we want?

The quest for the quick fix has spawned a culture of ravenous self-improvement. Why spend years on introspection and behavior modification when we can buy a DVD and “cure” life-long problems in a few short weeks?

Let’s enjoy our new mansion, our new flat-screen, our new personality. Later on we can worry about paying off the mortgage, paying off our credit card, addressing our actual emotional issues.

And that is the plight of modern American society. We live in the present, even if living in the present means sacrificing our future.

The 17-year-old who skips college to get a factory job paying $15 an hour… because $15 an hour is a huge sum of money when you’re 17. The 22-year-old college graduate with a $10,000 credit card balance… and no job. The 27-year-old with the half-million dollar home… purchased with no money down and an adjustable-rate mortgage whose payments will skyrocket in five years. The 32-year-old desperate single who believes she can attain her lifelong dreams… as long as she thinks only positive thoughts.

The average American has forgotten that we must work hard today to earn ourselves a better tomorrow. The average American wants immediate results. The quick fix. The duct tape wrapped around the sputtering engine of society.

Unfortunately, the quick fix does come at the cost of the future.

The factory worker forgoes the opportunity to improve his skill set and increase his chances of finding an alternate career should the factory close down. The college grad spends the next decade attempting to pay off four years of frivolous purchases. The homeowner loses his mansion when his monthly mortgage payment jumps several thousand dollars. The desperate single spirals down a vortex of one dysfunctional relationship after another.

If we really want to make ourselves better, if we really want to improve our lives, then we must believe in the power of investment. Investment in our own education… when we choose to stay in school; investment in our own human capital… when we choose to never stop developing our trove of useful skills; investment in our own health… when we choose to lead a life of self-discipline, adaptability, and resilience; investment in our own future… when we choose to plan for tomorrow.

To me, carpe diem is one egregiously unsound wad of pop wisdom. If I were only to live for today, I’d go out and spend every last penny I had. Heck yeah, today would surely be the rager to end all ragers. Watch out for flying kegs and swaying stripper poles.

But then, where would I be tomorrow?

Most likely broke. Definitely hung over. Probably left for dead.

It was the Klingons (although they may have been quoting the Bible) who deciphered the full meaning of carpe diem: “eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.”

Not so promising an outlook now, is it?

So, before we continue on our eternal quest for the quick fix, before we embark on today’s path of eating and drinking and merrymaking, perhaps we should ask ourselves….

Where do we want to be tomorrow?

Image by Chernobyl Bob via Flickr

On last week’s episode of The Monologue in My Head, I discussed the conniving—but totally acceptable—sneak-a-date strategy many guys employ. This time, I’m going to talk about another sneak technique, one much more despicable, and one used by both men and women….

Julie had been dating Mark for several months. What she found most attractive about him was his laid-back style. He was cheerful and agreeable, and nothing ever seemed to fluster him. Even when he was stressed at work, he always managed to maintain an optimistic outlook.

Around the third month of their relationship, though, strange behaviors began to seep through Mark’s sunny surface. He became moody and argumentative. He started finding fault with little things that Julie would say or do—things that never bothered him before. Gradually, the upbeat guy Julie knew was replaced by an ornery cad.

Have you ever dated someone whose personality suddenly and inexplicably changes? Someone who turns from warm and fuzzy into cold and prickly? Someone who transforms from Big Bird to Oscar in the blink of an eye?

If you have, you might have been the victim of a sneak-a-break.

The sneak-a-break occurs when the person you’re dating wants to break up, but instead of using a backbone, manipulates you into doing the breakup. The human fillet accomplishes this by turning antagonistic, needy, petty, pernicious, surly, edgy, sleazy, queasy, tipsy, dizzy, remorseful, or whatever it takes to drive you away.

The sneak-a-break is the ultimate indulgence of the chronically passive-aggressive. It’s the Red Ryder carbine-action, two-hundred-shot range model on the Christmas list of cowardice.

After three months, Mark realized that he wasn’t into the relationship anymore. There weren’t any specific reasons. He was just over it. So, he started to take issue with every little habit Julie had that he even slightly disliked and every little thing she said that he didn’t completely agree with. He figured that if she couldn’t handle it… oh well. But if she was actually willing to bend for him… then hey, that could work to his benefit, too.

Not surprisingly, she grew tired of his crankiness and called off the relationship.

So how do I know that Mark was sneaking a breakup? Because Mark is me, and Julie is the amalgamation of several girls I’ve dated over the past ten years.

Consider this my official apology. (Or is this a cowardly way of apologizing?)

The problem with the sneak-a-break (or the brilliancy of it, depending on whether you’re a giver or a receiver) is that it’s easy to pull off, yet difficult to prove. If the person you’re dating suddenly changes, and you can find no possible explanation for this change (i.e., you’ve ruled out stress, anxiety, depression, or addiction), how do you know that this isn’t the real him you’re finally seeing? Perhaps he’s been hiding his nasty habits just to impress you, but now he figures he’s won you over, so he can drop his charms.

Or, perhaps he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing. As my friend Laura points out: “When your feelings change, you act different. At times I have been ambivalent or uncertain about breaking up, but because I am very bad at faking positive feelings, it becomes clear to the other person that I’m not that interested anymore. So, if he’s the type who doesn’t care to talk it out, he goes for the breakup.”

Then again, do you actually need to prove the sneak-a-break? Whether 1) this is how he really is, and you’ve been seeing a façade up to this point, 2) it’s a spineless attempt to get you to initiate the breakup, or 3) he’s unconsciously acting differently because he’s feeling differently, you’re left without much of a choice. You’re not actually going to put up with his new-found foulness, are you?

The bottom line is, there’s no defense against the sneak-a-break. You can try to confront him, you can try to discuss it with him, but no matter what the reasons or excuses turn out to be, the relationship is probably over.

So, if you ever suspect that the person you’re dating is sneaking a breakup, if his personality goes from good-natured to bad-tempered faster than Tiger went from billionaire golf player to billionaire golf player, maybe you’ll have to be the bigger person and finish what he started.

Or, you could just turn yourself into a cantankerous grump, and see what happens….

Avoid dating disasters (Photo by Zach Klein via Flickr).

Many people have experienced one bad date or two, but for those not so lucky, some endure a dating disaster. A dating disaster is somewhat different from a bad date.

A bad date falls along the lines of, “it doesn’t look like this will work,” “we have different points of view,” or “he/she wants more than I’m willing to offer.” However a disaster date can include inner thoughts such as, “How did I end up in this date, I’m going to kill my friend for setting me up,” “I think he/she might actually be crazy,” and “Where are my keys? I’m getting the hell out of here.”

If anyone has experienced any of these thoughts or desires to flee, then congratulations you suffered a disaster date. I hope therapy will be able to fix the mentally deteriorating experience. Whether you have gone through a disaster date or hear too many horror stories and want to avoid it completely, the big questions are what are some early detections of a disaster date? And are there some coy and clever moves to make a quick exit?

As a gold medalist in experiencing disaster dates they can come from a variety of scenarios. The most common being a blind date. Everyone has that one friend who thinks she is the matchmaker of the century and just has to find love connections for any of her single, yet happy, friends. Then there are common mistakes such as getting the number from a hottie at a club or bar thinking the 20 minutes of barely audible conversation is intriguing enough for a date. Or the good friend situation: We’re already friends but let’s try dating.

Now I’m not saying that all of these set-ups lead to horrible endings. Not that at all. I’ve known some very happy people who have met the love of their life in similar dating scenes. I’m just saying from personal experience and stories, these seem to rank high on the disaster dating list.

Let’s talk about disaster dating clues. Unless your plan in life is to die being a saint, there really is no need to sit through a date going horribly wrong. Yes, it can make for a jaw dropping story to tell friends, but why ruin the evening and even worse drag some poor chump into believing you might actually be interested? That would just lead to some stalker voice mails later down the line. Let’s try to avoid that all together.

There are a variety of clues that can pop up in a disaster date. These signs can come from both men and women. No matter how different men and women are, there will always be those who are needy, full of themselves, full of crap, neurotic, clueless, and just plain boring. Be on the lookout for these early disaster date beacons:

The set-up phone call

Whether it’s a blind date or there’s already a friendly relationship established everyone needs to contact each other somehow in order to set up the date. A big clue is if the potential date-ee starts listing their dislikes when discussing where to go, and what to do: “I don’t like Mexican food,” “It’s too cold to be outside,” “Dress nice for me” “Don’t be cheap,” or “I’m not driving.” Especially for a first date, there needs to be compromise. Since your still getting to know one another it’s important to go with the flow to find out what the other person is about.

Now this can also be a disaster the other way around. If the set- up phone call is full of, “I don’t know” and “I don’t care” that could be a sign they won’t be much of a conversationalist when it comes to the actual date. It’s nice to hear opinions, just not Conan the Barbarian style.

First impression can say a lot (Photo by constantly_Jair via Flickr).

Meeting together

Pay attention when it comes to starting off the date. Do they smile? Say hello? Initiate small talk? I don’t care what anyone says; first impressions mean a lot. This is also a good point to notice confidence. The way they walk up or speak to you can be a good indicator of the rest of the evening. If they start questioning whether you really want to be there or tell you that you can leave if you want to, then maybe it’s not a bad idea to take the offer. The rest of the night will be filled with similar questions and can bring down the whole evening if someone if constantly worried about your interest.

However, look out for over confident people as well. Someone who’s late or walks up expecting you to be standing there waiting can make the evening extremely annoying because they’ll want you to feel honored to be in their presence. No one needs to sit with someone so full of themselves that the idea of calling the mob to place a hit on them doesn’t seem like a bad idea.

The conversation

This can be the most crucial part. The conversation is the opening to possibly something new and great. For first dates or even just starting out, most of the time it’s okay to keep the conversation on simple topics such as school, work, free time, hobbies, or interests. If the conversation ever turns to family problems, work issues, or anything that would make the rest of the evening uncomfortable, then it might be time to make a break for it.

If you’re the hopeful type and keep trying to steer the conversations to greener pastures, then good for you. In many situations, though it’s like beating a dead horse, it’s not going to accomplish anything.

To make an exit strategy that will work, give any of these strategic maneuvers a try. It may place a damper on the rest of your date’s evening, but at least it ends with that date. Then take the rest of the evening to meet up with friends and enjoy the clean break.

Be blunt

There is nothing wrong with saying exactly how you feel. If the date isn’t working out as planned then say so. Now there’s no need to be rude, but the point needs to be given that you would like to end the evening early and not go out on a second date. Be gentle but direct. This is especially important to do if there is already a friendship established. Bailing out awkwardly will just lead to more awkward moments later because the person won’t understand why you wanted to leave. It may seem harsh but it’s probably the best way.

When in need, call a friend indeed (Photo by volliem via Flickr).

“I left the stove on???”

Having a friend call to bail you out can be a very clever way to skedaddle. This works better for blind dates, especially if you don’t plan on seeing the person around. Have your friend call you at a certain time during the date, give you a reason to leave (please be more clever and use a believable excuse), and make way towards the exit. If a friend’s unavailable have an alarm go off but try to avoid incoming calls as you act out your fake phone conversation.

Even if you take these precautions and a dating disaster slips through, take control of the situation. If you want to get out, leave! If you want to sit there for three hours while your date explains how their fake tan regimen works, then have fun. I’ll be at home letting Time Warner Cable give me access to other people’s dating disasters in the comfort of my own apartment.

Congratulations, you’ve just been on a sneak-a-date!

The sneak-a-date is that ever-so-bewildering rendezvous that may or may not turn out to be an actual date. It’s an evening spent pondering potential ulterior motives. It’s an exercise in juggling multiple contingencies: if he tries to kiss you, but you don’t want to kiss him; if he tries to kiss you, and you want to kiss him; if he doesn’t try to kiss you, but you want to kiss him; if he doesn’t try to kiss you, and you don’t want to kiss him….

Most of the women I’ve talked to have no problem with the sneak-a-date. Although some appreciate the man who is willing to sack up and risk humiliation, many are sympathetic. As Denice, a personal trainer, acknowledges, “the sneak-a-date is simply a way of protecting yourself.”  After all, you can’t be humiliated if you never actually ask out the other person, right?

So, other than protecting egos, what drives guys to attempt the sneak-a-date? Why can’t guys be upfront if they’re interested? Well, I can think of five reasons a guy may want to spend time with you without asking you out on an official date:

1. He’s too timid to ask you out.

2. He doesn’t think you’ll agree to a date, but he’s hoping he can charm your pants off—literally—if he can get you to spend time alone with him.

3. He’s not sure if he’s interested in you, and this is a pressure-free way to find out.

4. He really just wants to be friends.

5. He doesn’t actually want to date you, but wouldn’t be opposed to a random hook-up. Therefore, by not officially asking you out on a date, he gives himself an “escape hatch” if he does end up hooking up with you.

I believe the first four reasons are harmless and warrant the benefit of the doubt from you. After all, 1) there are lots of great guys who may be on the shy side; 2) you really might see him differently if you got to know him better; 3) if you hang out on a non-sanctioned, non-official date, and one of you realizes that you’re not interested, then you’ll save yourselves the potential awkwardness of the rejection talk; and 4) seriously, it can happen.

Now, if it’s Reason 1 or Reason 2, you’ll probably get plenty of signals by the end of the night. Then, you just have to decide if you’re interested. If it’s Reason 3 or Reason 4, why not just enjoy the evening? If nothing else, you might end up making a new friend.

So, that takes us to Reason 5. Well, if you happen to be okay with the casual hook-up, this could be an ideal situation. On the other hand, if you suspect that he’s looking to get laid, and that’s not your goal for the night, you may have a problem. So, what do you do now?

Katie, a city planner, acknowledges that there may be no graceful way to elicit an answer: “What are you supposed to do, just pause mid-dinner and say, ‘umm, it seems you may be interested in ending this evening naked, and if so, I’d like to point out that I have absolutely no intention of de-robing for you, but if not, please continue enjoying your pasta?’”

If you’re the upfront type, you might actually say something like this. However, your pre-emptive bluntness may backfire. By calling him out on something that he hasn’t overtly done, you allow him to respond with, “what makes you think this was a date?” And now, you’re the pretentious one. Even if it’s so completely obvious that he’s interested, you can never underestimate a guy’s ability to deny, deny, deny in the name of preserving his own self-image.

Instead, here’s a sly way to fly some reconnaissance on him. While you’re on your presumed date, flash your coyest smile, muster up your flirtiest voice, and say, “doesn’t this feel like a date to you?” If he smiles back and says, “yeah, I guess it does,” that’s definitely a sign that he’s interested. If he doesn’t respond, pretends that he didn’t hear, or bolts out of the room, leaving only a man-shaped cloud of dust sitting across from you, then it’s not a date.

Or, you can just follow the advice of Kate, a graduate student who has devised a cunningly effective gauge of a guy’s intentions: “Does he have his tongue down your throat at the end of the evening? Congratulations! You’ve just been on a date.”

The bottom line is, as much as people hate ambiguity, the sneak-a-date works. As Andrea, who’s in the Coast Guard, admits, “I rarely have a crush at first sight—those things need time to develop for me.”

Adds Laura the lawyer, “sometimes romantic interest just builds through innocent hanging out.”

Jasmine, a theater manager, has an even better story. She ended up marrying the guy who sneaked five dates before he even attempted to kiss her for the first time. “I suppose the sneak-a-date has proven to work as a non-committal, non-confrontational way to test drive a date without having to put yourself out there for rejection,” she acknowledges.

So there you go, guys. Sneak away.

Image by Rufus Gefangenen

According to the doomsayers out there, Earth is slated for a fiery destruction barely two years from now. So, I decided to do some research of my own on the apocalypse. Fresh off my seven minutes of hardcore academic analysis on Wikipedia, I realize that the apocalypse—like women, in general—is something I’ve totally misunderstood.

Did you know that the apocalypse doesn’t refer to the end of the world? Although it could purportedly involve fracturing continents, brain-devouring zombies, or Michael Jackson, an apocalypse in itself is the disclosure of information to only a privileged few and of which a large percentage of humanity is unaware.

Isn’t it somewhat ironic that the term apocalypse could therefore refer to anything that women understand with ease, but which no man is able to comprehend?

Come to think of it, there has to be a Guypocalypse out there: knowledge hidden from all manhood; information that only the fairer, finer, testosteronally-challenged members of humanity are privy to; things that may not spell the end of the world for a guy, but will nonetheless bewilder us to no end. Things such as….

1. Curling irons versus hair straighteners

I once met a girl who loved her curling iron. This girl became my girlfriend, and the curling iron started spending nights at my place. After a few initially awkward run-ins in the bathroom, the iron and I eked out a reluctant tolerance of each other. It stopped flustering me with its dissonant humming and uncomfortably warm aura, and I learned to leave it alone whenever it appeared on my bathroom counter… plugged in… next to the wet sink.

Later, I discovered that the curling iron had a sibling known as a hair straightener. Soon, this device started spending nights at my place, too. Now, what gives? Why the need to alternatively straighten and curl? Can’t you just pick one direction to lean your preferences toward? Or just live with the hair you’ve been given?

I have that perfectly straight Asian hair that refuses even the guidance of gel. But I’m okay with that. As sad as it makes me, I can live with the knowledge that I will never grow a ‘fro.

2. Lacy Decorative Pillows

No, I’m not talking about the ones that you put at the ends of your couch. Those are actually quite nice and comfy. I’m talking about those tiny frilly ones that you set on top of your bed after you’ve made it; those tiny frilly ones that sit on the floor when you’re actually using your bed; those tiny frilly ones that come in such odd shapes and with such over-embroidered designs that you might as well be sleeping on a lace doily… assuming your head actually fits on it.

Maybe I should start referring to the yellowing sweat socks sitting on my bed as “decorative socks.”

3. Bath salts

Do you remember that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Elmer Fudd tries to cook Bugs by luring him into a steaming cauldron that he claims is a bathtub? Bugs eagerly jumps in, but then gets suspicious when Elmer starts cutting up carrots and celery into his “bath.” Well, that’s what I’m thinking anytime I see bath salts.

Besides, I’m well-enough versed in beef jerky to know that rubbing salt on meat shrivels it up. And believe me, shrivelage is every man’s worst nightmare. Thanks, but I’d rather stay seasoning-free.

4. Candles that smell like baked goods

Sometimes, when I feel like splurging, I’ll visit the local dessert shop, order a glass of water, then just sit and imbibe the delicious aroma of hot fudge wafting through the air.

No. I don’t. Why would anyone torture themselves that way? Because that’s what chocolate chip cookie dough-scented candles do for me. What’s the point of smelling chocolate chip cookies if you can’t eat them?

Speaking of which, I would highly discourage anyone from actually biting into one of these candles. Sometimes the temptation overwhelms me, and they never, ever taste anything like the way they smell. Believe me.

5. Eyebrow pencils

If you have ever been hit on by the merits of yours eyebrows, please speak up. Right now. Because I certainly have never heard a guy say, “wow, look at how nicely trimmed that chick’s eyebrows are. It’s like two curvy landing strips. That’s so hot!”

Sure, if you have a unibrow that would emasculate a woolly mammoth, trim it. But really, if your problem is that your brows have the same consistency as the peach fuzz at a junior high school prom, I guarantee you, no guy will care.

No, what someone really needs to invent is a “beard pencil.” You know, so I can finally sport the full goatee.

Your gig is up, ladies. I know about your secret Guypocalypse, meant to confound and confuse us guys. Now, I dig that these items may help you look nice, smell nice, or feel nice, and they might even explain why girl apartments never have that eau de rot that permeates many momes (man-homes, that is). But it is the sole opinion of this dude that they are wholly unnecessary.

Still, if you want to extend the olive branch and explain any of these for me, please chime in.

I’m a lucky guy. Why, you ask?

Because I’ve dated girls who are absolutely awesome.

And how do I know they’re absolutely awesome, you ask?

Because they tell me so.

Repeatedly.

Here are two random subjects I’d like to think I’m pretty knowledgeable in: 1) evolutionary biology, because I studied it for six years in graduate school, and 2) swing dancing, because I’ve been doing it for 11 years.

Now, which of these two topics would you say is more controversial? Which one would you guess has ensnared me in more heated discussions?

The answer, of course, is swing dancing. The debates over swing dancing that I’ve been mired in make those town hall meetings on health care reform feel as warm and fuzzy as a carton of milk in a broken fridge. I still cringe at how riled up I’ve gotten in the past (hey, some swing dancers take their art very seriously).

On the other hand, arguing the nuances of natural selection has never been that big of a deal to me. Those debates have been few, and I’ve always remained calm and collected. At first, I figured it was because I was a total slacker of a grad student and only cared about swing dancing. But ultimately, I realized that my dynamically misdirected duo of nonchalance and intensity had another juicy layer underneath.

The reason I often became flustered arguing over swing dancing was because, deep down, I wasn’t as knowledgeable about it as I wanted others to believe. Ergo, I overcompensated by constantly asserting how much I knew and repeatedly instigating debates.

But wait, what does any of this have to do with your awesomeness, you ask? Well, my selective penchant for discourse stirs up a notion that I believe we all would be wise to consider, and that is the notion of confidence.

Dating advice columns invariably recommend confidence as a key to impressing the opposite sex. Don’t self-deprecate. Talk yourself up. Confidence is a turn-on. Confidence is sexy. Well, hey, I totally agree. But, just as you can’t make yourself smell sexy by dousing your B.O. with cologne, you can’t make yourself more confident by drowning your low self-esteem in a sea of self-congratulation.

To me, confidence means you don’t have to prove it to anyone. When you’re truly confident in yourself, you don’t state it to everyone you see. You demonstrate it by the way you act. If you do have to speak up to assert your confidence, and especially if you do it incessantly, then you’re probably not really all that confident.

Have you ever met the girl who won’t stop gushing about how hot she looked at the dance club last week… or the guy who can’t stop yammering about how many girls he’s hooked up with? Are you ever impressed by them?

When you constantly announce how many guys you have drooling all over you… or how many stamps you have on your passport to Hoohaville… or how awesome you are in general… that, to me, is a sign that what you’re announcing is actually what you’re insecure about. Repeated proclamations of your awesomeness suggest that you’re only trying to convince yourself of something your subconscious knows to be untrue. Or you’re a grandmaster in narcissism, which isn’t all that much better.

Having said that, if you still wish to demonstrate the full scope of your awesomeness to me, the chart below indicates how many times you should tell me how awesome you are in order to maximize your realized awesomeness in my mind:

Tell me once, and I’ll believe ya. Tell me multiple times, and I’m gonna get more skeptical each time. The same goes for any of a slew of statements that I’ve heard friends assert recently. Statements like these:

“I’m perfectly happy being single. I am. I don’t need a boyfriend.”

“Girls are easy to talk to. I could talk to those girls if I wanted to. They just look stuck up.”

The more you broadcast statements like these, the more you broadcast your underlying insecurities. So now, I guess we’re left with just two lingering questions….

What I am overcompensating for with all these articles I’ve written? Or am I really just that awesome when it comes to dating and relationships?

It can be a battlefield for girlfriends (Photo via www.joystickdivision.com).

Since last Monday my television has been consumed by the recent release of Modern Warfare 2.  For those who don’t know the significance of this game, my boyfriend waited two hours outside of a Gamestop around midnight just to be one of the first people to receive a copy.  Along with the $60 to purchase the game, my boyfriend convinced himself that he needed a MW2 specialty controller too. I told him it was like a girl buying a purse with matching shoes, but he begged to differ.

I can see why a lot of people like the game. It’s has some pretty trick graphics and the detailing is insane.  If you don’t play and happen to come across the game, take a look at the gear the players wear. Somebody did their homework.

While I haven’t been given the “permission” to try the game for myself, I have played earlier versions. For about 30 minutes. What I don’t understand is how or why someone (i.e. my boyfriend) would play the game until their hands cramped and they can’t see straight from lack of sleep? There has to be more to do on a free day then sitting and playing MW2 all day!

Through this frustration I’ve learned that MW2 is more than just a video game. I have come to equate it with the modern man’s social club. Instead of going to bars or hitting casinos, wasting money, and possibly ending the next day with hangover, men can sit in the comfort of their own home, log-in online, take out frustration with fictitious destruction and mayhem, while still being able to talk crap to their friends.

Now I’m not saying the MW2 society is solely for men. I have heard women online joining in on the fight. I’m just giving my perspective as a girlfriend.

In my observations I have come to understand that there are a lot of men who are not the “I’m going to get dressed up to hang out with my friends” type people. In fact, the only time my boyfriend actually dresses himself to the equivalent of fancy, is when we go out on a special occasion or family holiday parties. Other than that my guy likes to keep it simple. Mind you he likes to be social, just with the least amount of effort.

MW2 allows him this comfort. Plus, in his words, he gets to “blow shit up.”

Can it be annoying sometimes? Yes. Does it seem like he’s more interested in the game than me sometimes? Yes. However, as I think about it I would rather have him home hanging out with me having mini conversations between matches than being hit on by drunk chicks in a crowded bar.

Ashley is a smart woman—a software developer, in fact. She’s attractive, she’s athletic, she’s outgoing, and she’s witty. And now that I’ve opened this story by telling you how smart, attractive, athletic, outgoing, and witty Ashley is, you can probably guess where this abject tale is headed….

You see, Ashley also happens to be hopelessly infatuated with Martin, a man she has been sharing the stuffing with for over a year now, and yet, a man who refuses to commit to her. As reasons for his waffling, he explains that he barely survived the bitter and traumatic breakup with his last girlfriend. He is still recovering from the experience, he reveals, and he just doesn’t know if he is ready to get involved in a serious relationship.

Ashley assures Martin that she understands. She tells him to take as much time as he needs. She will be supportive, and she will be patient. In the meantime, they continue to see each other once or twice each week, and she continues to let him candy her yams with each soiree.

Ashley’s friends express concern. They suggest that Martin might be leading her on, intimating that he’s just not that into her while waving He’s Just Not That Into You in her face. Undaunted, Ashley defends Martin, repeatedly and vehemently. She explains that whenever he travels, he often brings back a gift for her, whether a trinket, jewelry, or a funny souvenir. And whenever he cancels on a date at the last minute, or just fails to show up, he knows how to apologize….

“He is thoughtful,” Ashley maintains. “I know he can be flakey, but he’s really busy. And when he does flake on me, he always knows to bring me flowers the next time.”

Six eyeballs roll in unison.

“He’s totally playing you,” one friend mutters.

“He’s only buying you these mercy gifts to keep you roped in,” points out a second friend.

Between crinkled brows, a third friend wonders rhetorically, “what do you see in him, anyway?”

And so, the melodrama continues. From the perspective of Ashley’s friends, Martin is merely dangling carrots in front of her. They know that his gifts require minuscule thought. The effort he invests in purchasing a dozen roses amounts to the same effort required to stop by the grocery store and buy a pre-packaged pie on the way to a Thanksgiving potluck. Yet, these mercy gifts are enough to keep Ashley at his beck and call whenever he feels the need to get his turkey basted.

By now, Ashley’s friends are left wondering if she will ever realize the futility of her hope, at the same time pondering the growing inaccuracy of the phrase “hopelessly infatuated.” Perhaps “hopefully infatuated” would more accurately describe Ashley’s state of mind, they muse. At a loss, they vent to a male friend, hoping a man’s perspective can help them convince Ashley that she deserves better.

Suddenly, it has arrived. My great opportunity. My opportunity to do what a man is wired to do. My opportunity to execute that manliest of man-tasks:

To fix broken things. And what could be more broken than Ashley’s feelings?

Leaping from my seat with sheer aplomb, I bound over the coffee table and plant my fists onto my hips. In eager anticipation of my insight, the women sit transfixed. I imagine them gawking at my fluttering cape and the glistening “S” stretched across my spandex-enshrouded chest. My mind moving faster than a receding mullet, I instantaneously devise the most profound, the most brilliant, and of course, the most manly, of solutions….

Unfortunately, my suggestion to tell Ashley to “man up and grow a spine and a set of balls” begets only an encore round of eyeball-rolling. Forced to regroup, I must instead offer Ashley these creamy chocolate-coated thoughts:

Perhaps a better measure of how much you mean to your insignificant other lies not in the gifts that he lavishes on you, but in the effort that he devotes to you. If you want to focus on gifts, does he buy you gifts that show thought and consideration? Or are they gifts that he can pick up at any random store whenever the idea springs into his head that he should probably get you something? Consider his actions thusly, and maybe you’ll be able to figure out whether he’s truly giving you his affections or merely giving you the mercy of gift.

In the meantime, Ashley’s friends have thrown up their arms in frustration. Anyone want to offer their own suggestions? This manly man is fresh out.

On one of the many dating websites I lurk these days in my never-ending quest for relationship fodder, a cabal of female readers was discussing ways to exact revenge on a cheating boyfriend. One woman proclaimed, with singular pride, that she had devised the perfect strategy: she would sleep with her boyfriend’s best friend. This woman explained that she’d done this three times now, with three different guys, and all three times, she was able to incite the cheating boyfriend into a raging fit.

The discussion dragged on for days. Several women applauded her brilliance. One suggested that the boyfriend’s brother could be an even sweeter instrument of revenge. Still others lobbied ideas that ranged from subtle (going out to his favorite hangout, looking absolutely stunning, and having a great time without him) to criminally deranged (total vehicular destruction with a baseball bat). For my part, I found the e-conversation stimulating to my inner conniving misogynist. Within the deluge of schemes that sprang to mind, I cooked up the perfect countermeasure of just making sure my best friend is utterly repulsive… or better yet, a girl (which would make the act of vengeance, like, totally hot).

Through it all, not one person brought up the underlying issues revealed by this woman’s words. No one seemed to notice the trio of elephants lumbering through the room….

As a teacher at an alternative high school, I get to deal with the not-so-inaccurately labeled “tough kids.” Apt to their descriptions, these kids have difficulty getting along with others. I think some of them could successfully pick a fight with a tree. But, as they’re quick to point out, it’s because their parents don’t understand them, it’s because their teachers hate them, or it’s because everyone and everything in the world (including vegetation, evidently) is out to get them. This is my invariable response to these teens:

If you have a problem with someone, they’ve got issues. If you have a problem with everyone, you’ve got issues.

In other words, if you find yourself unable to get along with someone, it could be that the other person has some deep-seated emotional issues, and that’s why he’s difficult to get along with. On the other hand, if find yourself unable to get along with the entire human population, then you’re the one with the emotional issues, and you’re the one who’s difficult to get along with.

As it turns out, this line of reasoning works for relationships, too: If you get involved in a bad relationship, it could be that your significant other isn’t emotionally mature enough to maintain a healthy relationship. On the other hand, if you get involved in one bad relationship after another, then you’re the one who’s emotionally immature, and you’re the one who’s repeatedly sledge hammering your relationships to pieces.

It’s all a numbers game. To obtain a quick assessment of a patient, psychologists will often invoke their version of the Three Strikes Rule: if someone engages in the same maladaptive behavior on three separate occasions, then this person is establishing a pattern, which, in turn, may reveal an underlying psychological problem and a need for therapy.

The woman who sleeps with best friends has been cheated on three times. Three times. Chances are she’s not just unlucky in the dating game. She’s incompetent. Whether her incompetence is that she’s only attracted to jerks who invariably cheat on her, or that she sabotages her relationships and drives away otherwise good men, the pattern she’s established is apparent.

But sadly, instead of attempting to break her pattern by reevaluating her dating standards, figuring out what she’s doing to land herself in multiple dysfunctional relationships, and learning to avoid getting cheated on in the first place, she spends her time misguidedly devising ways to wreak vengeance on her unfaithful boyfriends.

To me, trying to fix your relationship woes by sleeping with your boyfriend’s best friend makes about as much sense as trying to fix a complexion problem by slathering make-up on a zit: it barely covers up the problem, it’s still going to hurt, and you might just end up with some sort of infection.

So, does this sound like something you would do, or have done? Do the same adverse situations seem to occur over and over for you? Do you always seem to get screwed over, whether romantically, platonically, or professionally? If you’re starting to notice undesirable patterns in your life, then you might have to consider that it’s not bad luck. It could be something you’re doing.

After all, do you want to be just another alternative school kid, repeating the same tired behaviors and perpetually running in place inside that hamster wheel called dysfunction? Are you just going to cover up those zits with layer after layer of make-up? Or would you rather figure out what’s causing your patterns, so that you can do something to break them? After all, it’s not the world’s fault that you’re constantly getting screwed by others. It’s your fault that you’re constantly getting screwed by others.

The woman who’s been cheated on three times could probably learn something from the sage words of former President George W. Bush: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twi… well… you can’t get fooled again!”

Image by Valentin.Ottone via Flickr

In the movie 3:10 to Yuma, with Christian Bale and Russell Crowe, Bale’s character loses his foot while fighting in the Civil War. As compensation, the government gives him a large sum of money, with which Bale attempts to forge a new life. At the end of the movie though, Bale realizes that the government didn’t give him the money so he could walk away. They gave him the money so they could walk away. The government never cared about helping him. They just wanted to erase any obligation they might have had to help him.

It’s a cynical perspective. And sadly, it seems to hold some universal truth, even within the world of dating and relationships. Here’s a true story….

Steven met Joanne through a mutual friend and was immediately intrigued by her. At first, Joanne wasn’t sure if she was interested, but she decided to give him a chance. As they spent more and more time together, she realized that she was starting to develop strong feelings for him. Unfortunately, the opposite was true for Steven. He found that his intrigue was slowly fading into disinterest. Ultimately, Steven called off the relationship, badly hurting Joanne’s feelings in the process. In an effort to be the nice guy, Steven would occasionally call Joanne to “check up on her” and to see how she was doing. He wanted to show her that he still cared, and he truly believed that, as a compassionate person, he was doing the right thing.

Now, is Steven a great guy or what? Talk about being the perfect model of a compassionate citizen.

Or is he? Is Steven actually being compassionate? Or is his compassion really a guise for his selfishness? When Steven calls Joanne to check up on her, is he really trying to offer support? Or is he hoping that she’ll be fine (or at least say she is), and then he can walk away feeling less guilty about his actions?

As it turned out, Steven’s phone calls only dragged on the pain for Joanne. Every time he called, she couldn’t help but wonder if he was still interested. After all, he seemed to care about her so much. How could he not have romantic feelings for her still? Eventually, the phone calls became less frequent and ceased altogether. And eventually, Joanne’s pain subsided. In its wake remained feelings of resentment, and unanswered questions lingered in her mind. “He clearly wasn’t interested anymore. And we were never friends to begin with. Why in the world did he want to be my friend after breaking up with me? What purpose did it serve?” Reflecting on these phone calls months later, Joanne came to realize that Steven wasn’t excited about calling her, and didn’t even really want to spend time with her anymore. He was only calling out of some strange sense of obligation to make her feel better.

And maybe that’s the sad reality of many supposedly compassionate people who are out there. Maybe it’s not that they’re compassionate. Maybe they just have a lot of guilt. And compassion is how they alleviate their guilt. After all, if Steven truly wants Joanne to heal and to move on with her life, he should realize that he needs to leave her alone. He needs to be the “bad guy” and let her be angry and upset at him. Steven wasn’t being a nice guy to Joanne so that she could walk away unscathed. He was being a nice guy to her so that he could walk away unscathed.

So, if you think Steven is turning out to be a weenie after all, then I ask this of you:

If you ever break someone’s heart, don’t be a compassionate person. Don’t be a nice guy, or a nice girl. If you ever say to someone, “I just want to be friends,” don’t actually try to be their friend. Just leave them alone and let them hate you for a while. That’s what they need to do in order to heal. And if you truly are compassionate, you’ll want them to heal. Right? Even if that means you have to live with the guilt of hurting them. Right?

-Dennis

Image by Clipart.com

Nowadays, guys don’t even have to ask for girls’ phone numbers anymore. We just look you up on Facebook! Unfortunately, some of you still get annoyed when you get asked out online. So, in the spirit of opening the lines of communication, here are the top ten reasons we’d rather use Facebook to ask you out, instead of doing so over the phone or in person:

10. Our Facebook photo is the one photo in existence where we look halfway decent, and we’re hoping you were too drunk to remember what we actually look like in real life.

9. We were too drunk to remember what you actually look like in real life, but hey, you look halfway decent in your Facebook photo!

8. 200 million users on Facebook. Somebody out there’s gotta like us.

7. We’re dyslexic and keep thinking we’re still on Match.com.

6. We’re actually doing you a favor by not putting you on the spot. We’re also giving you time to craft a rejection message that won’t destroy our fragile self esteem. So, make it good!

5. We’re much more charming and witty when we have hours and hours to slave over the best line to use to ask you out. Having said that….

4. This way, we only have to type out our best line once (“Hey there, it was nice meeting you the other night. Holla!!! LOL, maybe we can meet up for a drink sometime. Hit me up if you wanna….”) and then just copy-and-paste it to the ten other girls we’re currently asking out.

3. If we at least get you to add us first, we’ll get to see what hot friends you have. If they’re hot enough, we might not have to ask you out after all.

2. Our girlfriends check our cell phones. Insane jealous bitches! Why can’t they just trust us?!? Oh wait, oh yeah….

And the Number One reason we’d rather use Facebook to ask you out:

1. We misplaced our testicles.

-Dennis

This step is apparently the result of recent legal wrangling between Hefner and Conrad. Conrad-Hefner sued ‘Hef’ last month, claiming he owes her $4 million under their prenuptial agreement and for proceeds from the sale of the home she is living in. Her lawsuit also states Hefner agreed to pay her $250,000 per year for every year they were married after their fourth anniversary. While Hefner in his filings contends he paid his wife $750,000 when they separated, an amount he states he thought satisfied the prenuptial agreement. Hefner also claims to have paid almost $12 million to his wife and for her home since their separation. Hefner and Kimberly Conrad Hefner were married in 1989, the same year she was named Playmate of the Year and separated in 1998. Hefner continued to live at the mansion at the time, and Kimberly Hefner moved into a home next door with the couple’s then two young sons. Hefner, states that he has paid his sons’ school expenses and will continue to do so as both are in college.

Hefner is asking for a reduction in spousal support to $20,000 a month. According to sources, that would be about half of the $40,000 a month that the Playboy founder has been paying her since they separated in 1998; plus ‘Hef’ wants the monthly payments to end in two years, or after a trial on the couple’s divorce is held, whichever comes first.

Talk about separation anxiety…

Photo from sdentertainer@ymail.com via Flickr

Photo from Pracchia-78 via Wikimedia

Elisabetta Canalis, the model/actor has dominated the headlines in the entertainment world today. Who is she and why is there so much attention surrounding her? Well, she is reported to be George Clooney’s new girlfriend.

Many of you won’t care and others will find it interesting, but everyone can acknowledge and appreciate her astonishing beauty. The Italian was born the 12^th of September in 1978 in Sassari, Sardinia, making her 17 years younger than the superstar actor.

Canalis has made a name for herself in Italian television as well as having minor roles in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo and Virgin Territory. Currently she is the new co-host for the Italian version of Total Request Live.

The couple were seen vacationing at Clooney’s Lake Como villa enjoying the stunning sights of the lake and mountains. Clooney is in Venice to promote his new comedy, The Men who Stare at Goats.

Based on the book by Jon Ronson,  Clooney plays Lyn Cassady, a man that claims to be a former member of a special unit that employs paranormal powers in their missions. It is set to release November 6, 2009. Clooney stars along with Ewan McGregor, Jeff Bridges, and Kevin Spacey.

The film takes place in Iraq and follows Bob Wilton, played by McGregor, a reporter who attempts to expose the story of Lyn Cassady and the secret paranormal Army sector that was re-activated after September 11th. Slated as a comedy, it could prove to be an interesting film.  But for today, the film is not what’s making headlines; it’s George Clooney’s relationship.

Over the years, George Clooney has become the unofficial bachelor of Hollywood. He’s reportedly been in over 20 celebrity relationships, none of which amounting to much. He was married briefly to actress Talia Balsam from 1989 – 1992.

So, what to make of this relationship? Probably just another fling to add to his list. But who can judge? They make a very attractive couple.

via xanga.com

Why do women love bad boys? And it’s not just San Diego women, it’s all; okay not all, but most. We constantly complain about men who never return our phone call, flake on dates, and treat us like red-headed step children, but we continue running back into their arms or become giddy when they actually do decide to call. Is it because of the chase? When in actuality these men aren’t spending much time chasing you if they barely give you any attention. Why do we live in a world where drama is easier to find in a relationship than plain ol’ happiness? More importantly, why do we love it so much?

He says, “I’ll call you,” but doesn’t until he’s ready. Always has the perfect excuse to why he didn’t do something, and is never wrong. What is attractive about a man like that? Well let me break it down. They’re spontaneous. He says he’ll call you at 8p.m., but it’s 8:30 and your phone hasn’t rung. You start to think he’s just not that into you, until your phone rings and instead of apologizing to you for calling late he says, “hey beautiful,” which of course makes you swoon.

Dealing with a man who always thinks he’s right can be exciting because what woman doesn’t think they’re always right too? Nice guys let you win arguments and don’t put up a fight. They say things like, “you’re right honey.” Or, “it’s my fault…” But a bad boy will battle you till he gets his point across. He’ll also make it a point to let you know that he’s not like the last guy you dated (they always put themselves on pedestals) and he’s not going to sugar coat things or fake the funk, but instead tell you how it is. Besides, what couple doesn’t enjoy makeup sex?

Which brings up another love for bad boys…they’re great in bed. Bad boys are exciting, enjoy trying new things, and make it a priority to satisfy their woman. If nice guys would spice things up instead of always wanting to cuddle, than maybe your bed would have more action…and you as well.

Sadly in this generation, nice guys are finishing last and the bad boys are controlling the spotlight…but for how long?

Is there a time where you just don’t feel like arguing anymore, or you get used to doing things routine, because come on, we won’t be in our 20′s forever.

Do women marry bad boys?

If you’re in San Diego and you believe you’re a bad boy then leave a message and tell me if I’m right or not.

(Photo from 'xKimJoanne' via Flikr)

We always say we are never going to be that girl or guy — the one who is so blinded by the power of love that they lower their standards and expectations, and ultimately forget what it is that is truly important to them. Not to mention manage to look like a total idiot when all is said and done (yes, I am speaking from experience here).

We all know it happens, and whether you have been directly affected, or are a victim of someone else’s erratic lovesickness, you are all too aware of the symptoms. A few of my most recent experiences (personal and observed) have included things like the fear-of-break-up compromise and what I like to call the over-giving of the “benefit of the doubt” to people who don’t exactly deserve it. Other common symptoms can include avoiding certain situations that lead to unwanted truth, tunnel vision and ignoring the blatantly obvious (most of the time only observed by us outsiders, unfortunately).

It can happen to anyone, and yes, I’m sure you saw this one coming, it happened to me.  But hopefully my confession will help some of you avoid similar situations, and have a good laugh at my expense.

I met a guy at an event I was working, and after the event ended, we continued to talk long-distance. At this point, I didn’t have any expectations being it was pre-lovesickness, but the next time we were in the same town again, he took me out. From there things seemed to heat up rather quickly. Two days after returning home, he flew me into where he was living and we spent an unforgettable four days together.

We had “the talk” at the end of my visit and decided it would be best for both of us to not remain exclusive for the sake of the business of both our schedules and the distance factor. We both really liked each other, but did legitimately have a crazy few months ahead of us work-wise, and didn’t know when we were going to see each other again. That didn’t stop me however from marking my territory by strategically leaving one of my dresses in his closet (in plain view of his bed I might add) for potential female visitors to see. Some call it crazy, but I call it tactic.

Most people can’t honestly look back and say they can pinpoint when the lovesickness actually set in. But I sure can. How could I forget? After changing my flight so I could stay just one more day, he dropped me off at the airport and we said our goodbyes. It wasn’t until I got in the security line at the airport that I lost all control.

I reached into my purse to pull out my ID and all of a sudden I realized I was crying. Was this really happening? Was I really crying in an airport over a guy I barely knew? And in a public place none the less? I thought this only happened in the movies!

But I couldn’t stop. The waterworks continued until I got to my gate, and after going to the bathroom to try to compose myself and failing rather miserably, I tried to find an unoccupied gate in an effort to avoid the stares and whispers that were being shot my way by God knows how many strangers. Could this get any worse?

Apparently so. I managed to see one of my co-workers in the most remote airports in the state of California. Figures. Try explaining that one on Monday morning.

I tried to get back to life as usual once I returned home, but as expected for someone in my condition, it was next to impossible. Lucky for me, I was able to hide it from him, which was definitely in my favor. No one wants to be known as a crazy girl, even though all girls secretly are.

We talked a few times a week, but for the most part texted as our work schedules never seemed to allow for much else. Things seemed to be going well, minus my fast-progressing illness that is, and before we knew it we had planned another visit.

But this time it was different. What had once been over-the-top effort on his part slipped to marginal. At the time, however, I just played it off as his work commitments and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, what guy wants a girl who won’t accept his best as good enough? I went along with the change of pace, continuing to be supportive, and trying to remind myself of the other stressors in his life that were likely the cause of it all.

Even after finding another girl’s lip gloss next to his bed, noticing he had removed my dress from the spot I had strategically placed in his closet and finding a picture of him and another girl at the bottom of his laundry basket (I was not snooping, I was cleaning) I didn’t acknowledge the obvious change. Why ruin our time together? It was short, and I technically couldn’t be mad since we weren’t exclusive.

Looking back, this is where I start to feel really stupid. If he is careless enough to leave another girl’s lip gloss in plain view when he knows I am coming to visit, can’t find a better hiding spot for his picture framed princess and can’t think to bring my dress out of hiding before I get there to notice it is missing from where I left it, what is he really trying to tell me here? I should have realized right then and there that the time and feelings I was putting into whatever was going on between us was a waste of my time, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to hear the truth.

After I left to go back home, things started to go downhill. He was not calling when he said he was going to, texting me back sometimes days later and when we did actually speak on the phone, things were different. And as badly as I wanted to bring up the obvious change, I didn’t in fear of losing what connection we still maintained. I continued to accept his behavior and make excuses for him, and even sent him a birthday package (a damn good one I might add).

And even after he conveniently decided to visit his family in another city at the last minute when I was scheduled to be in town for a family vacation, it didn’t dawn on me that I should speak up. I again reassured myself as I had been doing all along and continued to feel the complete agony that had now overtaken by daily life.

It wasn’t until my sister-in-law, who had met him when he took me out on our first date, inquired about how things were going between us that the truth I had been avoiding all along dawned on me.

What the hell was I doing? I credit her (and a few other people I ignored throughout this four month process) for bringing me back to reality. I had done something I promised myself I would never do — settle. I can’t tell you how many times I have preached to my girlfriends about lowering their standards, forgetting about what they wanted and deserved. And here I was allowing it to happen to me. How did I let it get to this point?

There is only one explanation — love is blind. And until you are ready to see things for yourself, no one is going to change your perception.

From that moment on, I ceased all contact, and realized in the process, that was what he had been trying to do all along — the infamous fade-out (I personally, I am not a fan of the fade-out, and prefer the cut-off instead, which I am rather good at, I might add, but everyone is different I guess).

As I have been able to look back on this situation and reflect on what has happened, I have learned more than I could have ever imagined. Though it was disappointing (and embarrassing, let’s be honest) to be in this situation, I in no way blame him for my ignorance. He taught me a great deal about myself and I will never forget the way he made me feel — and for that I thank him.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is true. I have been that girl. But in my defense, it is hard to walk when you can’t see.

-Justine is a humor writer and blogger specializing in exploiting her own humblest moments and wittiest triumphs through her journey into adulthood–aka the real world.  To read Justine’s blog, Confessions of an Almost Adult, visit missqueencity.wordpress.com.